vice
"I used to manage a nightclub, the kind of nightclub that stays open until 10AM on a Sunday morning, blasting a relentless barrage of drum 'n' bass and donked-out techno at pillheads who don't know the meaning of the word "morning".
One morning, I was doing some glass collecting in the guys' toilets, when I heard a clearly blind-drunk girl slur something about not being able to open the door from inside one of the cubicles. As a bar manager, this is one of the moments you fear every time you walk through the club's doors. I instantly imagined opening the door to find an underage girl, slumped out in a puddle of her own vomit, blue-lipped and on the verge of death.
I looked under the door and she was sprawled out on the floor, alive, of legal age and thankfully not drowning in her own puke. The door really was stuck, so I had to kick it in, which made me feel a bit like John McClane bursting in on a room full of mercenaries, ready to fuck shit up.
The girl was lying on the floor with one shoe in her hand, an elegant, girly high-heel that probably cost more than a night out in Mayfair. Nestled in the stiletto was a giant turd, staring me right in the face, and as if I hadn't noticed, she looked up at me and quite eloquently said, "Someone's done a shit in my shoe."
She stood up to reveal a waterfall of shit running down her leg and covering her flowery dress, before running off into the crisp Sunday morning street, never to be seen again. I was pretty annoyed that my toilets were all coated in poop, but at least I got to kick a door in."
4 Steps To Reducing Your Anxiety When Pooping In Public Bathrooms
1. Have tampons ready in your hand
2. Show disgust as you enter
3. Load toilet paper in the bowl
4. Cough, sneeze and make other normal noises
Just The Facts
1…110 percent of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. Ten percent wind up outside of the toilets.
2…Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible and pointless because someone else always walks in as soon as the last person walks out.
3…Gas station bathrooms should only be entered if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn’t another door within miles.
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Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances
Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.
Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.
Public restrooms always have at least a few instances of …
Graffiti – Definitely the highlight of a field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store/gas station/strip club that you’re at. You’ll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes’ numbers, your mom’s number, and sometimes an actual conversation.
Turdffiti – The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself….or, if you did it, call a mental institution and commit yourself.
Floor Turd – This is a nice, self-explanatory surprise that you find laying on the floor of a stall, or sometimes even out in the open. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or want to make a janitor cry.
Pee Gel – Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello.
The Pubic Hair of Doom – No matter what toilet you’re forced to crap on, there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat. Brush it off the seat with something other than your hand. If you don’t, it will embed itself in your skin with it’s teeth.
Glory Hole – Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.
Germ mounds – Literal piles of germs. These actually only appear in the worst bathrooms. If you see something moving across the floor and it’s not a bug, it’s probably a germ mound. These usually accompany some sort of congealed bodily fluid.
Log Paper – Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you’ll still wipe your ass with your sock. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, ass hairs and steel wool.
Inhabitants
There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:
There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:
Talkers – Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you’re using the bathroom. There are many types, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.
Stalltalkers – People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.
Phonetalkers – Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is fine…it does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.
Creepers – These are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.
I really like the list of objects and inhabitants found in public toilets - funny and true - relatable and will make people laugh - maybe we could make characters or or a comic series focusing on these for the GIF?
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